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Uncle Remus' Original Wonder-Jim Sandwich

Contributed By: Patrick | See all of Patrick's recipes
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Active Time:  1 Hour
Total Time:  1 Hour
  1 Serving
This easy, breezy sandwich is great for dates, weddings, birthdays, Bat/Bar mitzvahs, or any other special time. Its ease of preparation and delicious taste will leave your guests yelling at you with joy.
RECIPE INGREDIENTS
Original Slim Jim snack sticks [7 sticks]
Paper towel [1]
Wonder Bread [2 slices]
DIRECTIONS
*If you are a child, please ask for parental guidance beforehand.


First,


sit down. No, don't sit down. Wait, sorry -


first, go into the cupboard and pull out seven[7] original-flavor


Slim Jim snack sticks. Then, go back over to the table


(or couch) and sit down (if couch, sit on couch, if table,


sit on chair next to table). Oh, also, on the way, get


a paper towel out of the paper towel bag, or from the paper


towel holster if you have one, which you should if you are


an adult. *If child, see disclaimer above.


Once you are


seated, unwrap each Slim Jim snack stick one by one. Slim


Jim's excrete natural oils by default, so make sure to place


them on a paper towel instead of directly on the table, otherwise


your table is going to be oily and you'll have to


clean it. Once you have unwrapped each of your Slim Jim snack


sticks, stand up and go back over to the cupboard. Extract


your loaf of Wonder Bread from the cupboard and undo the


twisty thing using your fingers (or claws). Once the bag of


bread is open, you should pretend your arm is a lever and


use physics to pull out two things of bread from the bag.


Once your fingers are holding the bread, use your legs(or wheels)


to walk(or roll) back over to the table. Your Slim Jims


should still be resting on the towel. If they are not on


the table anymore:


A) Check to see if you have a dog


-If you do not have a dog, see item B.


B) Check to see


if you have a ghost.


-If ghost:


i) Attempt to communicate


-If ghost responds positively


-Attempt to help ghost rectify unfinished earthly business


-If ghost responds negatively


-Call landlord


*if you are a child and do not have a landlord,


contact parents, as noted in disclaimer above


Now,


assuming the Slim Jims are still on the table, and you are


still holding the Wonder Bread, place the Wonder Bread slices


next to the Slim Jims on the towel. Your towel should


now consist of:


1) 7 unwrapped Slim Jims


2) 2 slices of


Wonder Bread


Carefully begin to place the Slim Jims side-by-side


one another onto one of the pieces of Wonder Bread.


Be careful as not to let any of the Slim Jim's roll off


onto the floor.


If one of your Slim Jims rolls onto the


floor, ask yourself the following questions before retrieving


it:


a) How long have I been debating what to do about


the Slim Jim on the floor, and is it still edible?


-It


may take you a while to figure out what to do, but it's imperative


that you do act relatively soon. If the Slim Jim does


remain on the floor more than a reasonable allotment of


time, you may want to consider getting up and retrieving another


Slim Jim from the cupboard. A reasonable allotment of


time for a Slim Jim to remain on the floor is at your discretion,


but in general, the industry standard dictates that


a reasonable amount of time before a floored Slim Jim is


no longer considered edible is equivalent to 50 lamb-tail shakes


or one-twentyfourth of an oxen birthing (sans-complications).


b) Was I the direct cause of this accident?


-If yes, forgive yourself. There is no reason to beat yourself


up over this, and there are more Slim Jims in the cupboard


which you can easily procure with minimal effort.


-If no, you may have a ghost. See section B above about how


to deal with ghost situations.


Assuming none of your Slim


Jims have rolled off the table and you have lined them


up next to one another on your Wonder Bread slice, take the


other slice of Wonder Bread that has no Slim Jims on it, and


place it over the slice with the Slim Jims on it. You should


now have a piece of bread on the bottom, then a row of


Slim Jims, then a piece of bread on top. It should look like


a sandwich because it is a sandwich. If it does not look


like a sandwich, ask yourself the following questions:


a)


Have you ever seen a sandwich?


-If no:


Congratulations


on seeing your first sandwich.


-If yes:


Did


you follow all of the instructions exactly as followed?


If yes:


-Are you currently on any medications?


If yes:


-Consult your doctor about possible


vision-related side-effects related to current medications.


If no: well, sorry but, that's your opinion.


Assuming


your sandwich looks like a sandwich, use the muscularity


of your hand muscles to form your hands(or paws) into


two claw-shaped hands. Hoist the sandwich into your hands using


a scooping maneuver. Once you are holding the sandwich


(firmly, so that the Slim Jims do not squeeze out either end),


Date Added: 03/28/2013
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